i really don't know what am i suppose to be to you.
what kind of positions do i hold in your heart...or shall i ask, is it none at all ?
yeap, hadn't been blogging like ever since...FOREVER.
franctically, i don't really wanna blog nowadays. infected by the famous lazy disease.
if it wasn't for what happened these few days that brought me disastrously down, i guess u wouldn't see my post till august ?
u'd changed. really, i mean, quite a no. of them realized this prob too not that i'm over sensitive or something.
u started tried to ignore me. tried to cut short the conversations i started. tried to hide things from me.
it's just so not the person i knew anymore.
i felt awful. i struggled over this problem for quite some time.
i tried to tell myself everything's fine. u're gonna be back in anytime soon. but u aren't, isn't it...
u've gone with the cravings of men in this world. possessed by fame ? perhaps.
of course, this is not the first time, and definitely not the only time. i'd difficulties to just fix it up to u whenever ur "season" is back. where i'd to hang on to myself. i ought to feel tired too you know ?
i felt isolated by you. i just hate this. i wanted to stop this.
but i can't...the helpless feeling is just lingering in my heart.

those sweet bitter memories flowed back.
i did have a harsh time remembering all these though.
jie came over and said that she had western cuisine for dinner.
bang. it hit me hard and nevertheless, pictures in mind pierced right through me.
suddenly i realized that mum has indeed gone for long.
out of the blue i just felt so lonely....and abandoned.
i miss her. her presence did meant something to me.
i still remember how we used to go for supper at a cafe nearby.
palm tree ? palm spring ? *damn ! i forgot their name. i hope mummy remember.
palm something.
they have good food there. i miss the food there. and of course, i miss the time i had with mum there the most.
i used to order mushroom soup or sometimes banana split ice-cream.
we can chit chat all time letting the cool breeze blew by us.
such wonderful memories. isn't it ? i missed it. i miss her. i wanna turn back the time.
i want to experience that feeling once again. just once.

went over to counseling room to hand over Miss Chai my photocopied IC. and who knows ?
she started asking questions bout my family...
and i ended up spilling my childhood stories.
cried like an hour there ?? went back class with a red nose with everyone asking
"Are u ok ?"
lol. they must be wondering what happened.
i knew i went over too long...mandy and jing ying came over to find me. i heard their voices. but they didn't barge in though. xD
teacher searched for chocolates to cheer me up. but none was found xD
too many ppl cry at counseling room ?? :X
it hurt so much when ur hidden wound was being hurt again.
just like me, i can't bear it.
especially the topic on family. it became a sensitive issue towards me.
when she finally get to noe more about my childhood.
she asked me a question that left me feeling unable to doubt.
"It's a very heavy burden isn't it ?"
upon hearing that, i teared up. she said out something that was carved in my heart since ages.
yes. i is a burden till now. i won't deny.
i felt pressurized. i had heavy burdens to carry on my shoulder.
no one knew when i cried in the living room silently at night.
such pain. such torment. it's unbearable.
cried uncontrollably.

"How do you feel towards your dad now ?"
i used to hate him. but now, i felt quite numb. i even had the difficulty to call him father. cuz we've been separated for quite some time...we don't share common topics. it's like talking to a stranger when i met him. what was being asked i will answer, that's it. i won't try to make a conversation or something and there it was ---- mere silence.
such irony. the dad that i used to love and wants to hang around last time became such a stranger to me.
the one who used to care so much about me but now abandoned me.
i had his number. but no, i won't call him. i don't know why. maybe i just don't miss him anymore ? maybe i don't want my mum to get hurt by my actions.
i used to envy those happy family around me. how caring they can be around one another.
when it was father's day or mother's day, i sit around and cry myself remembering how my friends got hugs from their mum and dad, the way a child was treated with care. how they got those attention that i needed so much.
i wanted them to be around taking care of me when i was sick. just like what other kids gets.
i used to ask the question WHY.
why can't i do the same ? why can't i get the same treatment ? why ?!
i used to ponder but now i gave up on the answers. because there was none. they doesn't exist at the first place.

a bite that leads from one to another. ♥ cadbury.

currently being dull. trying to hype up myself. i treat myself with chocolates and choc chip cookies every night for supper.
darn. what a way to cheer me up. getting fatter too. i took more than 24 cookies a day. geng leh....calories. :S
still, a great big thank u to dear n his sis today for helping to colour kajian warna. need to rush up some work. so ended up each colour one...haha...creativity contest ? xD
dear even got me cadbury choc. awwwwwww..... thank you *hugs